d title says it all. fourth year....it is evil. brutal. unforgiving.
right now with all that i have on my hands, i'm not really sure how i'm gonna make it thru without going up in flames. i got off to a bad start this trimester by failing one my courses (my first FAIL since my uni life started) - ironically, it was my Rome course. after bawling and being epicly depressed for like a week, i've been plunged into one hell of a project which i find myself staring at day at night wrecking my brain over n over n over again. and to add to that, a hardcore elective which really doesn't make my life any easier. so yes....i am stretching my limits far beyond what my brain is capable of. but i'm still at it....still trying not to drown. n if i said d past 3 years was tough, well....this year is not for d faint hearted. already heaps of my classmates dropped out after the first sem which kinda almost made me wanna give up on this profession which i don't see myself doing in the future. i've been asking myself almost everyday "what the heck am i still doing here if i know this isn't what i want?" d answer is probably bcause i'm stubborn. not wanting to waste what i've did so far. probably.
and don't get me started on how pissed off i was (and still am) about how i failed my Rome field study course. i spend every second asking myself why did God ever let me waste all that money to Rome. and everytime i think about it i start throwing a fit, regretting ever deciding to sign up for the course. but i've recently come to the conclusion that mabe going on that trip wasn't about me at all. yeah i failed and got my transcript muddled with an ugly E but i think what was most worth it about going on the trip was being given the chance to really talk about God. it's not everyday i have a gay friend and an atheist come to me and ask why the christians do what they do. let's face it...the setting of Rome really generate some super interesting conversations. so tho my parents are screaming their heads of for wasting money, it was still worthwhile. not for me tho. it was worthwhile for God. which if i think about it in that aspect. i don't regret anything anymore.
and yes....to only realise this isn't what i want for the rest of my life after coming this far is not really what you want to deal with in the midst of all this mess. but i've just started reading a book called 'FINAL' which talks about your final year of uni n what u have ahead of you. i've just read the intro but it was good enough to make me want to read that whole book at once. it's good to know i'm not the only struggling with the issue of wanting out of the course you're in. and thankfully, i'm still young (as in not many people get this far by the time they turn 21) so i still have options. of coz, even if i plan to change what i'm doing, i don't think anything that i have gained in this past 4 years would go to waste. i won't let it. not after all i've gone thru. sometimes i wonder if it's all part of God's super complicated plan for me. i feel like i never know what is the right decision. the things that i tot were bad decisions always seem to have taught me lessons so in a way, maybe it was meant to be. and the things which i thought were right decisions turn out being....well....not so right.
like i said, it's complicated.
but yea....no one ever said life was easy anyway. unless you're an accountant. xD. jokes....but seriously, i look at my accy frens n dey look like they have all the time in the world and ders really not much to worry about. but designers like us, we worry 24/7 if we can make it big in the real world. and if we can't be at the top of our pile of designers, our future lies in nothing but becoming a banker. joy right? of coz, i'll never let myself become a banker. i believe i'm nothing short of a designer....i'm just not sure if i'm doing the right kind of design. u noe wad i'm saying? sigh.....
anyhow, that is what i've been going thru. spiralling out of control. time to make an SOS call to God.
JP
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